Another one...

So I know this is depressing much like many things I discuss but there was something that really appealed to me in this. Maybe because it seems like the author was still fighting despite of the opposition.

There was no author nor a title.


This darkness inside has taken over. This darkness inside has eaten away my spirit. This darkness inside has triumphed over me. This darkness...This Darkness... THIS DARKNESS.

I used to have spunk. I used to have vitality. I used to be free. I used to have light. I used to... I Used To... I USED TO....

I fell in love before and felt alive. I fell in love before and loved falling. I fell in love before and crashed at the bottom. I fell...I Fell...I FELL....

I broke someones heart trying to get free. I broke someones heart trying to save me. I broke someones heart and its killing me. I broke...I Broke...I BROKE....

I am broken beyond repair. I am broken from the one I used to be. I am broken because of me. I am broken...I Am Broken... I AM BROKEN...

I do not cry because the tears burn. I do not cry it changes nothing. I do not cry because only darkness comforts me. I do not...I Do Not... I DO NOT....

I am here alive but not living. I am here alive with no feeling. I am here alive with all this darkness. I am alive with a washed out purpose. I am here alive but living as a ghost. I am here...I Am Here... I AM HERE...

Just let me go be alone. Just let me go and be hollow instead. Just let me go on. Just let me go, get out of me! Let me go...Let Me Go...LET ME GO...

Darkness.

Bitter Fruit Falling by Khalilullah Khalili

I am the bitter fruit falling upon the earth.
Thus in the clutches of time I remain.
O spring of liberty!
Your grace, what else it could beBut to render this bitter fruit sweet?
The greatest wealth of this world is the company of friends,
The agony of death:
Separation from them,
But since they are all together, the friends,
Resting deep in the heart of the dust,
What difference does it make
Whether alive or dead.
Out of pain and sorrow destiny has molded me.
What, Alas, has been my joy from the cup of life?
Like a candle burning in the blowing wind,
I tremble, I burn, ... I die.



I just really thought this a awesome peice. It really made me think about the day to day lives of the Afghani people and the violence and terror they have lived through.

Life and Smoking Bans

Today I saw one of the most badass things. I saw a man smoking a ciggerette while he was at a gas pump. I know what you may be thinking. What was he thinking? Was he trying to blow up the gas station? And ofcourse your wondering how I could possibly think that something so dangerous could ever be constructed as cool. Well... society in itself needs to reevaluate what it considers "dangerous".
Everyone today is concerned about things they construe as risky and dangerous behavior without realizing that by emphasizing these behaviors in usually results in rebellion and escalates from there. Take smoking for example. Up until recent years smoking was allowed in public places such as resturants, bars, and airports. Now everyone is so concerned about getting cancer that in many places you have to be 50 feet away from the building. WTF? My parents smoked in our house most of my chilhood and teenage years and I turned out healthy as did many of my friends. Now society says its illegal to smoke in bar or even in front of a bar that only allows adults to enter? Lets face the one universal truth... When its time to leave this world it doesnt matter if we smoked or if we were around 2nd hand smoke. When your numbers up your going regardless of what kind of abuse you put on your body.
Society enforces these rules because by doing so we feel as if we are the ones controlling life and death. That implementing a no smoking ban or whatever law you choose will bring us more control over a choatic world. Reality check. There are far more life threatening matters out there to worry about whose lighting up. Yet its these major issues such as the conflict in Afghanistan, the drug war in Mexico that is leaking over into our boarders, and third world countries having nuclear capabilties that the average American could care less about. I see their reasoning as to why they prefer ignorance. One indidviual cannot control world events but avoiding cancer is something realstic and possible to avoid. Sadly many non smokers contract cancer too. And if each individual citzen in America took more of an interest in world events than maybe society as whole would appericiate the country we live in. As an added bonus America would look less like hypocrites to the rest of the world.
So enojoy life because no matter how many smoking bans America implements, we still have no control over how long we have to enjoy life.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

What I hate more than people saying I told you so..

Those four words are in the top five most annoying things someone can say that makes me want to punch them in the face. Right now, I told you so is the number one thing on my list that will make me punch someone. My inner rage and anger is dripping off me because I knew I should have listened to what other people told me. However because of my optimism, stubbornness and just plain stupidity I chose not to listen. Ok ... so I should be used to it right? I went through my rebellious teenage years and am able to admit that I would have been better off taking other, wiser advice to use during those rough high school years.
But no! Here I sit pounding away at the keys like I would smash away at this jerks face because I made a rookie mistake. All because I let my emotions get in the freaking way! That is life rule number 3... never let your heart your get involved in the real world. It took me years to figure out that one and along comes a cute, furry face with beautiful blue eyes and I am sold. All along my instinct warned me that this deal with the puppy was too good to be true but no I convinced myself that the whole set up was legit because I got emotionally involved. Let me tell you something....NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT INSTINCT!
I ignored my gut for no good reason and I got screwed over by some chump in Africa who is probably sitting around with my money laughing at how easy it was to steal some dumb Americans money. Ugh. I am no better than those girls sitting around waiting for that cute guy to call because he said he would. (Reality check if it sounds like anyone reading this... He or she won't call unless it is for a booty call.) The fact is ,I like all those people out there checking their cell phones every five minutes, gave part of my heart (along with the money) to and for a dog that never existed. Much like the people hoping that every phone call is that girl or guy face it the person you built them up to be IS NOT REAL.
When you sit back and look at all the evidence before you, in my case the freaking phony ass emails, you realize those terse, vague replies to your messages and calls mean something. Slowly it dawns on you that your gut was trying to tell you the opposite of what your heart was. Like putting on glasses after years of blurry vision, you knew all along that you were being played. The realization of knowing that your gut was right all along really burns my ass. I broke my number one rule... Never ignore your instinct.... and got screwed.Hardcore. When I knew better from all of my previous mistakes. Just like the people sitting by the phone.
So the most hateful you can do is have yourself say I told you so.

Why I want to be a Power Ranger

First of all these guys and ladies were the dankest of the dank. Coolest uniforms, badass weapons, megazords and the ability to teleport... I am so in. The fact that you don't get to tell anyone what you do really keeps your ego in check. I always loved the show growing up watching these teens going out, battling evil and always saving Shady Grove from the villians who attacked it. Looking back now I would still become a Power Ranger regardless of cheesey it got at times because lets face it.. .the orginal Power Rangers were like demi-gods with their fighting abilities.
The biggest problem was keeping their identity a secret but in the long run aren't alot of things better when you don't have groupies out the ying yang? Knowing you saved the day from evil and people respect you for what you do is a lot simplier without a face attached to it. Egos don't inflate because you are known for what you do not who you are. As the male or female serving as a kind of guardian angel for your city its a relief to be able to live a semi normal life and be able to see the gratitude without having to deal with any kiss asses or jealous friends because the spotlight tends to gravitate to certain people more than others. This destroys the team itself from within.
The excitment of the unknown has to be a rush. Wondering if someone will figure out you are a power ranger, or what crazy battle you are going to be in today. It tests your individual skills as well the teams cohesion. The confidence that being a Power Ranger provides and control of the mind and body. It sounds pretty sick going into a fight where everything is black and white; good vs. evil and knowing aganist all odds that good will trumiph.
I keep wishing reality was that simple which is why even today as a grown woman I would jump at the chance to be a Power Ranger. No blood, no gore, no watching friends die. No doubts on if after all the blood and dust settles and the fight is over if you made a positive impact on the world. No doubts as to wether or not you will be remembered as a hero or if you actions are concieved as good to the surrounding people. In Shady Grove the Power Rangers were always heroes. Knowing every action I made was the right one to save the city and everyone was grateful would make it worth it. Well that and the badass weapons I would get in addition to all the other perks...

I wanted to take the time to say thank you to all the people who have supported lately. They have put up with my bitchy moods and the slight depression was feeling. One day I will have the money to pay everyone back or provide "gifts" to everyone who has helped me out. I can never express the gratitude I feel. When shit goes down hill I tend to retreat into myself and thanks to those who love me they pull me out before everything consumes me. It is a great feeling to know that people care and that I am not alone. I felt alone for a long time which led me to make some really stupid choices. I am trying so hard now to put my life back together and I have been luckier than most to have amazing friends, family, coworkers and a future husband to help me reassemble the mess I created.
My point is instead of focusing on the negative things in your life try to see all the good things you have going for you. If you need help you will find it in the most unexpected places. Life sucks and sometimes it feels like your fighting a war just to eek out a living but ask your self this. Am I really living? Am I appreciating the little things? Because it is the little things that make life worth living. So start living and don't let your problems consume you.

The Black Hole of Credit Card Debt

Frequently throughout today I have been thinking about money. As the economy is struggling it makes me wonder why so many Americans are in debt. Yes many people have lost jobs and are trying to produce a living on low paying jobs. The housing market is still horrendous and of course ever economy goes through recessions before spiking upward again. Yet there is something else nagging me about the amount of debt some Americans are in. Credit card debt is a killer. I know from my experiences that if you are not careful you could be over you credit limit in a snap. I got my first credit card when I was 18. Unfortunately nobody ever explained to me about interest rates and credit limits. I was young and excited to have the chance to establish credit. However, I was completely ignorant of how negatively a credit card can affect one's credit and how easy it is to spend credit versus my own money. I wish someone had sat down with me and explained all the details about building credit and the positive and negative impacts a credit card can have. This is something that should be taught to teens before they step out into the real world and cross over in the adult world. Yet I never received any form of financial education throughout my high school. It wasn't until I was almost twenty years old that I received a brief class through the Marine Corps on personal fiance. Because of my poor decisions with my credit cards I am now struggling to pay bills that I would never have had a problem paying before my credit card debt. Instead of saving money I have to take the money I could have saved or invested and use that to pay of the debt I have accumulated for a bunch of crap that I never needed to begin with. Its been two years and will be a few more before I can say I am free from credit card debt but at least I am in control of my finances. I learned my lesson and will never put myself into this position again.
The purpose of this story to help other young adults be better prepared to handle their finances and save and spend wisely. At some point if I am accepted at Metlife as a Financial Services Representative I can receive my licensing and training so that I will be able to help others become financially smart. If I can prevent any individual from going through the black hole of credit card debt than I have succeeded. It seems to me if we teach teens to be smarter about money and credit cards than they will more likely be successful money managers and less likely to amass a couple grand in debt that will follow them for years.

It's pretty difficult trying to figure out what to say. I keep thinking about writing on something that is appealing and I find myself sitting here typing away and deleting all of it. I am having a hard time posting blogs because I am not sure what the content of the blogs should include. I need to figure out who these blogs are written for; myself or other bloggers. As of now I am trying to do both with no sucess. This sucks. I will have to figure out a past this bloggers block and post later.

My First Blog

It sounds so cliche to say it but I'm so excited about my new blog!!! Now I can let out all my ideas and opinions to people who may care about the same things I do. I have so many topics I want to cover that I can't wait to start talking hence they boring posting I am doing now. I promise in the future to make things a little more interesting because right now I am tired after a long day at work. Any advice, suggestions or gripes please let me know. I wanna keep this entertaining and candid.
-KT